My story With Anxiety

I’ve struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. Stemmed from my own trauma I was the embodiment of conformity, people pleasing, and allowing my achievements to dictate my self-worth.

I was codependent and trusted others over myself. I was conditioned to believe there was a right and wrong way to do things and no in between. Every move I made was dictated by the approval of others, doing the right thing, and analyzing everything that could go wrong. It’s how I learned to navigate the world

People pleasing became my personality without me even realizing it because I associated it with being a good person. I denied my talents, skills and stuck to the conventional ways of society to feel included, accepted, and loved. On the outside I was put together but on the inside I was anxiously anticipating the mistake, the failure, and the disapproval. So you can imagine how I was when those things inevitably happened….

I thought of myself based on my perceptions of the perceptions of those around me. Meaning, if I thought someone thought I was annoying, I internalized it and believed I was annoying. Thus, It became less about who I actually was and more about who everybody wanted me to be. All of my self-worth was in the hands of others. 

I ended up burning myself out playing the role that I subconsciously played my whole life. Everyone was looking at me like I was broken because I no longer had the energy to be “bubbly” or “the positive one.” At this time, I had tried therapy, seen my doctor and felt completely invisible and unheard.

(Disclaimer: I totally support therapy but something I wish I was told at first was that it might take some time to find the right medical professionals for you. It’s important to connect with any medical professional or coach you seek out especially with such a vulnerable experience. I did eventually find a therapist that I connected with who had a great impact on my healing journey.)  

That experienced sucked but the blessing in disguise was that I started to take action in my own healing and explore holistic health. Everyone kept telling me to “be happy” and “do what makes me happy” and it truly just made me feel worse. Happiness was always a destination, and a goal in the distance. I was very skeptic of anything that could help me but I started with Googling “How to be happy?”

I have always loved learning and have been fascinated with the human brain and psychology. A lot of people would tell me now that I should of went to school for that but I guess business was cooler at the time (based on what others told me ;P). I started exploring meditation, journalling, and breath-work which have been the core foundation of my healing. There are sooooooo many ways to explore these 3 things alone but they opened the door for me to explore so much more beyond them.

Through theses practices, I learned that happiness is a skill. The journey involves deep self-awareness, uncovering the roots of your anxiety, and understanding every (good or bad) part of you to its core. Which yes, it means that achieving happiness involves not so happy work with yourself. However, the other side of that work is the most empowering feeling in the world. As, I moved through my own healing journey I finally understood what true happiness feels like: 

• Gratitude for the present moment

• Freedom from negative thoughts and self-talk

• Self-love for all that you are (the good & the ugly)

• Trust in yourself, the universe and for all that is to come

I learned and developed the necessary skills to work through my anxiety, and establish a loving relationship with myself. I am now able to use the processing techniques I learned to reframe my thinking, talk myself through my negative thoughts & feelings, think rationally about what I truly want, and have complete trust with myself & the universe.